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.He was saying Chase s name in sort ofa frantic litany, like he was trying to get his attention. Chase? Chase, man, c mon.Chase, you there? C mon, Chase.Tell me you re there.Chase? Chase, would you say something, buddy?Please? You in there? Yeah, Tommy, Chase muttered hoarsely. Yeah.What do yaneed, baby? I ll do what I can. Suddenly he was engulfed in Tommy s wet, soapy arms to thepoint where he almost lost his balance, and Tommy was laughinghelplessly above his head. Oh, Jesus, Chase.Jesus.What in the fuck happened there?You& man, you were coming and then you just wouldn t stop shaking!You wouldn t.You just kept talking to yourself and shaking and&God. Tommy stepped back in the confines of the shower and shookhis shoulders. Jesus, Chase.You scared the holy fuck out of me! Chase felt a semblance of his usual grin come back, even thoughhe still had black spots swimming vaguely in front of his eyes. Youthink you re that good, hah, Tommy? Getting fucked by you is areligious experience? He giggled a little over that, even though itprobably wasn t funny, and Tommy swore again and gave him one ofthose terrific, engulfing hugs, and even though the water and the hugmade it hard to breathe, Chase still didn t want to leave that hugbecause he couldn t remember ever feeling that safe. Fuck you, Summers, Tommy muttered. Jesus, I m serious.Where in the fuck did you go on me? Mmm& , Chase said, feeling like he was going to fall asleepright there. That little room in your head you go to, right? Whenyou re scared.Mine is full of red water. He almost stumbled then, because he couldn t keep to his feet, butTommy pulled him out of the shower and then sat him on the toilet todry him off.Chase was too spent to even shiver in the cold air, andTommy put him to bed naked and then turned off the light and crawledin bed after him.Chase was there, halfway between asleep and awake, whenTommy asked a question in the dark, and Chase s inside was as nakedas his outside.He answered without pain or fear or any of the things that would cause him to startle awake, sweat staining the sheets, breathshredding his throat, terrified, the next morning. Chase, why s there red water in your little room? Cause Mommy got blood in it when she was in the bathtub. Oh God. Mmm& don t leave me, okay? Backatcha, big guy. I m so afraid of falling. There was a gentle kiss on his shoulder blade. Don t worry.Igotcha. But nobody really has me, Tommy.I m still all alone in that room.AFTER he d woken up in the dark of the morning, drenched in sweatand breathing in bare, tortured gasps, Tommy had soothed him andsettled him and calmed him back down into a quiet sleep.They dgotten up the next morning like nothing had happened no scary fugueduring sex, no night terror, no deep, dark confession but Chase shouldhave known Tommy wouldn t let it go.They d decided to stay checked into the hotel room it wasFriday and Chase had until Sunday, after all and went to theExploratorium in Golden Gate Park instead.It was a clear, sunny day in the city, and there was a fierce windin from the ocean, bringing with it the smell of salt water and diesel, offreedom and terrible, earthbound necessity.After they sat in theplanetarium and allowed the three-dimensional projections of theuniverse to make them look small, and then traveled the natural historypart of the Exploratorium just to feel evolved, they went outside to thesquare in front and simply held hands and walked the paths of the park,not saying much but appreciating the gentle tang of the eucalyptus treesand the chilly shade they wandered in.They were wearing jeans expensive jeans, yes, but simplyjeans and hooded sweatshirts with an expensive name across them,and Chase was wearing leather high-tops, but it felt like Tommy had gone out of his way to make sure Chase felt like himself as theywandered this exceptionally innocent part of the city, and Chase wasgrateful.He figured that they would simply forget about the events ofthe night before, and he d be grateful for that too, except he d forgottenthat Tommy was only gentle sometimes, and most times he was a littlewicked and a lot persistent, and that he was not good at letting thingsgo.They sat down on a hillside across the street from the museum,using an old blanket Tommy kept in the trunk of his car to keep the wetlawn from seeping through their jeans.The quiet between them waspeaceful, and Chase was suddenly so fucking grateful that he didn tfeel compelled to fill it with noise like he did with Mercy that he felt aburning behind his eyes. Tell me about when your mother died, Tommy said out of theblue, and Chase s breath stopped so quickly his vision almost wentblack.Tommy s reassuring hand on his back was the only thing that lethim pull in air, and he let out the breath shakily, without any sort ofguarantee he d have the wherewithal to repeat the action, no matterhow necessary. Not much to Don t bullshit me, Chase.Please.Man& I m fighting ghostshere, okay? You won t tell me anything and sometimes& last nightwas scary as fuck.You are always so careful about what you say, whatcomes out of your mouth.Last night it was like that wall justdisintegrated I swear to God, baby, you were speaking in tongues fora minute.And then& then when you finally spoke English, the thingsyou said& how can I love you like this and not know these things? Not important, Chase mumbled, thinking about his father,yelling to break the door down.Thinking about the paramedics rushingin, checking on him, shining lights in his eyes, then wrapping him in ablanket and trying to take him out of the apartment to treat him forshock.Leave him the fuck here! Little faggot s gonna have to toughenthe fuck up if he wants to make it without his fucking mother!Tommy s hands were not soft.He lifted weights and didhousework and garden work; he put a roof on his home and repaired window frames and dry rot.They were strong and bony anduncomfortable.So was their grip on Chase s hand. Do not fucking bullshit me here, asshole.You pony up now orwe go back to Sac and I drop you off and the next time we see eachother is on the set, maybe. Chase looked at him, hurt beyond words. Tommy! Tommy shook his head and pulled Chase s hand to his lips. Ilove you like I have not loved another human being ever, and ifsomething is hurting you this bad, I need to fucking know the shape ofit, do you hear me? I&. Chase looked at him helplessly.Go ahead.Take me back to Sac.Desert me.You should desert me.I m a douche bag.This shit that I m doing, making you be faithful,cheating on Mercy, deserting you I m a bad person.You deservemore.Tommy leaned forward and feathered a touch across hisforehead a gentle touch from a man who didn t specialize in those.Itproved to be Chase s undoing, because suddenly he craved that touch,that softness from this tense, taut-wire man. You gonna tell me? Tommy asked quietly, and Chase noddedto buy time. I, uhm, found her, he said after a minute. She d only partiallyclosed the bathroom door.It was locked on the inside, and I saw thewater running under the door and opened it and went in and closed itbehind me. He paused for a minute, wondering at why a six-year-oldkid would close that door [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] |
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