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.I thought I wastoo hot for that.And NBC wanted to develop a series around me,like they ended up doing for another comedian, Ray Romano.In-stead of Everybody Loves Raymond, it could have been Everybody LovesLeguizamo.Or Everybody Loves the Latino.But I didn t go for thateither.I still thought TV was beneath me.Probably not a wise careermove Ray became the highest-paid actor on TV but you have to be Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 89*true to yourself, even if it means you make a fucked-up choice nowand again.And again.I took the meetings, they kept trying to talk meinto doing TV, and I said, Nuh-uh.I m an actor.I may be funny, butI want to be a great actor. So I went and did Super Mario Brothers instead. on t hold Super Mario Brothers against me.Imean, when you decide to do a movie, youdon t go into it saying, Oh man, I m soDexcited to be making this movie.It s reallygonna suck! You go into it thinking, I m gonna rock thisthing, and only then you find out it s gonna suck.And thenyou ll say or do anything to try to get out of it.You re in yourtrailer, they re waiting for you on the set, a production assis-tant is banging on the door, and you re like, Tell them I msick.Tell them I have brain cancer. Anything, just get me outof this movie.At first I was totally up for it.Computer games were huge, anda movie based on one of the most popular ones seemed like sucha natural.It would jump my career to the next level.And I d be get-ting to act with Bob Hoskins, Dennis Hopper, and Fisher Stevens.But oh, I had a horrible time making that movie.What a night-mare.It almost killed me.One of the few upsides was that I started to hang out with thechapter8 Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 91*lead actress, Samantha Mathis.Oy vey, another shiksa, blond, but-ton nose, real pretty girl.Coño me Jodi.Maybe you saw her inBroken Arrow or American Psycho or Rules of Attraction.(You saw herin Super Mario Brothers? Dag, that makes two of us.) She was goingout with Nicolas Cage at the time, and I stole her from him by acci-dent.Then River Phoenix stole her away from me.That girl was likea heist movie.She liked to get stolen.Man, I was into her.I bought her these earrings, very serious,very bling.But before I could give them to her my dog ate them.I mserious.That dog would suck up anything I left lying around.I calledhim Hoover. Goddamn it, man, those things were expensive.Cough themup. I shook him around some, but he wouldn t give.So I bought some Ex-Lax and mixed it into his food.Then I spenta whole day taking him for walks.We must ve walked a marathon,with him stopping every hundred yards.Eventually I got those earrings back.I like to think she s stillwearing them to this day.Meeting Samantha was just about the only good thing about mak-ing Super Mario Brothers.I hated the movie, I hated what I was doingin it, I hated the whole situation.Mario Brothers was another movie setwhere I drank a lot out of pure depression.Drank too much, smokedweed, ate shrooms (it was the first time I had sex on shroomsoh man, I m coming colors!), partied with the rest of the crew, all ofus whining and commiserating about this miserable experience.It salways that way.The worse the movie, the better the partying.The directors were this British couple, Annabel Jankel and RockyMorton, who had previously directed Max Headroom and the DennisQuaid remake of D.O.A.Why is it that I was always working withBritish directors? Must have been payback for all those great talentsI was killing off. 92 JOHN LEGUIZAMO*Annabel and Rocky had gotten me the part, for which I wasgrateful at first.They were really charming and had terribly politeBritish accents, but you could hear the steel fists inside their velvetgloves.In the first place, they were confused about what kind of movie wewere making.They wanted to make an adult movie, and the studiowanted it to be a children s movie.In the end, I think the studio wasright, but I was torn about it, too.I didn t want to make a children smovie, but I know that was the prime audience.It s eight-year-oldswho played the Super Mario Brothers game, and that s where themovie needed to be aimed.But Annabel and Rocky kept trying to in-sert grown-up material.They shot scenes with strippers and with othersexually explicit content, which all got edited out in the end anyway.They were confused about what they wanted from me, too.I wastrying to ad-lib a lot, to get something good out of my awful part asLuigi.One day they would encourage me to do that; they would be like, John, try to be funny.Please, be as funny as you can. And then thenext morning they would complain, John, what are you, a clown? And like any married couple, they argued between themselves allthe time.In a very suave and polite way, but it got to be hell for us asactors.Annabel would say something like I m not feeling thesecostumes at all, darling.There s something about them so, I don tknow. She d wrinkle her nose with distaste. .So OompaLoompa. And Rocky would instantly reply, I think they re smashing, mypet.Besides, Oompa Loompas were little people. Dear, not in front of John, she d say. No, the costumes abso-lutely are an offense.They must go. Nothing offensive about them at all, my pigeon, Rocky wouldsay. No, the costumes stay. Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 93* They go. Stay. Go. Stay. And they d spend a half-hour going back and forth like that.Itdrove me to drink.It was like being directed by Chip & Dale.That swhy a ship only has one captain [ Pobierz caÅ‚ość w formacie PDF ] |
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